Category Archives: Non-duality

The Dark Night

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My life has been rough the last couple years. When I tell people about it – I don’t often – they usually don’t understand. “Why don’t you change it?” they ask. They don’t understand. That makes my life feel rougher.

Last weekend, I was talking to a friend about it. I said, “Sometimes the soul calls shots the ego does not like. The freedoms we normally experience aren’t there. We try, but things don’t happen, like as a way of life.”

My friend said the same thing another friend said in a similar conversation in November. “Maybe most people don’t experience that.”

It got me thinking a bit differently. First, I think some people do understand this subject, they are just not the ones crossing my path. There is a phenomena on the spiritual journey called “the dark night of the soul.” I can tell you for sure that the overwhelming majority of people do not accurately understand that process. Part of the reason for that is there is NO and I mean no societal reference point for it. When you experience it you are in the dark in more ways than one, including having no culture that understands it. Literally.

Thing is, everyone goes through it at some point as they complete their spiritual journey. Because of that, I have come to expect that people know what it is, that they have some kind of real-life reference point.

If they have experienced it maybe they regarded it “just” as a very difficult time? What I’m going through now is not the Dark Night. It has similarities, but it is not the same, though it sucks pretty much the same.
The Dark Night had distinct features. The inner life I had known to that point was gone. The “light” phenomena of consciousness – the way guidance occurred; the love exchange I had with what I then called God – was gone. In a way there was an energy that did present itself, but it was dark. Compared to the energy that was no longer there, it was blind.

Maybe I understand the Dark Night process more than others, but I think everyone should understand it to some degree. Am I wrong? They don’t seem to.

Decentralizing & the Natural Way of Being (The Infinite)

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Thank you to all of you who have given me your contact information through the link on the site. I do have a link to the Apple e-book version of my book, “Lili the Cat Finds the Infinite Bank” that is for sale: https://books.apple.com/us/book/lili-the-cat-finds-the-infinite-bank/id1186113231. That is my current offering.

I am mulling over offering some coaching sessions for people whose infrastructure way of life has shifted dramatically due to things like fires, floods, job losses/changes, cost of living, etc., and are interested in looking at the inner transformational aspect of that experience. Folks who are open to seeing their experience of radical change as good prep for the shifts that are to come on Earth and for all humanity.

Yes, this prep involves dealing with the so-called outer changes, but it is not ultimately about that. It is about the massive changes you experience within yourself that prep you. You train yourself to have a wiser relationship to the unknown.  Most of us have a dysfunctional relationship to the unknown. Those who can flow better between the known and unknown will have a much easier time in the coming years.

As this blog has chronicled, I have experienced (and am experiencing) massive changes to my way of life the last few years and especially the last two+ years since we moved to the Mesa.
It is a difficult but unparalleled path of inner change. “Path”. doesn’t quite feel like the right word. The experience is more like being plunged into freezing cold water repeatedly. It is jarring. It is jarring frequently. But if your soul wants you to be on the wisdom fast track and wants you align with its deeper agenda quickly, there are few better ways. You have no choice but to try to swim. Yet you don’t know how. Not in this water. Or so it seems. Therein lies the accelerated alchemy and swimming in uncharted water.

….I am stuck on this blog entry. That is because the subject is still not fully formed in my mind. Here are some terms I have so far:

Infinite way of being
Decentralization
Mitochondria
Heart essence
Ego
Intellect

I have been learning about mitochondrial health from Dr. Jack Kruse. He describes himself as “decentralized.” He practices decentralized medicine. He is a huge proponent of Bitcoin.

I am also a fan of someone named Jonathan MacDonald. He is into a variety of things, including spirituality and one of his creations (co-creations) is a decentralized crypto platform called “Minima.”

The work of both these men and George Kavassilas got me thinking about life, health, money and spirituality from this particular vantage point. It is intriguing.

My bias is always toward spirituality and how to be completely free within. It is the real pearl beyond price because inner freedom, like that exemplified by Byron Katie, gives you the only real freedom worth having, the only real freedom that exists: complete, total freedom from fear and attachment. Any attachment. Katie would experience the same peaceful state of being whether she was a queen in a castle or an un-housed woman in her underwear on the street with people who used to be her friends spitting on her. I get tears in my eyes thinking about her. How do you describe this beauty? It is the only true freedom.

That being said, I am still on the path to this and have not arrived yet. If I were un-housed on the street with friends spitting on me I would feel so deeply hopeless and despondent I would want to die. Yes, I’m still on the path.

So the inner part of the decentralization, which GK would call the Heart Essence, has something to do with shifting our way of being and what one turns to within – to something decentralized. Not the ego. Not an imagined center, including every societal, conditioned, imagined identity and self-image we have. It’s so subtle. It is undramatic and beyond-radically different. I’m still trying to understand it. I’m still trying to live it.

The Blend

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How much do we want to be saved or just relieved?

I know I do. However, it is the unsexy work of what I call the “inner blend” that makes you able to go through the so-called “eye of the needle” and what we seek in our fantasies of saving and relief. Unsexy indeed.

Inner blend brings you to zero point. That is the transition point, but it is really no point at all.
It’s tough. To not have goals. But goals in this realm are ideologies and they end up distracting and – temporarily- blocking us. They are pleasant, they are bromides, but not ultimately useful.

What to do? Embrace those aspects of your self that feel too embarrassing, painful, bad and shameful. The ones you want to cast aside. The ones society & religion – both one big ideology – would tell you are bad and deserve to be cast aside. Those aspects they say need redemption and becoming “better than.”
All of that is internal splitting, division. Splitting is too big and discordant. It’s a big wave form. Big wave forms don’t get through the eye of the needle. Forget stories that say it is about material objects, like money, it is about aspects of self and how we relate to them.

Love collapses that wave form. The collapsed wave form is what descriptions like “the eye of the needle” and “zero point” seek to explain. Moving forward is about the quiet, subtle inner blend of all the aspects of self. The belligerent, the irritable, the greedy. Blend ’em. Blend them all.

The Isolation (& Assorted)

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It is cold in my yurt. Got the heat back on, but it has only risen to 57 F from 52. Fingers are cold as I type.
A couple fingers are swollen. Not from cold. Not sure from what. Saw my functional MD this summer and I had two underlying bacterial conditions, including chlamydia. I got it from a spider bite. Only Dr. Bill, my functional MD, would know that! Turns out some scientific dude studied spiders back in the day and cultured one of their mandibles (wtf?). He discovered chlamydia bacteria. So you don’t have to have sex with the spider. It just has to bite you.

I took kudzu for one of the infections. I think it was the chlamydia. One of the symptoms was swollen finger joints, which is what is happening again. I ordered some more kudzu. I’ll see if it helps with my finger joints. The pinky on the right hand has kind of blown up. Weird. They were feeling alot better until a couple days ago.

I was in Denver last weekend. Doing a class with Sharon, the beloved spiritual teacher. After class, during happy hour at the hotel, I was talking to Patricia. I’m not even sure exactly what I said, but expletives were flying out of my mouth. I am originally from New Jersey and have been known to sling a swear word or two. I think I was trying to articulate how disappointed and isolated I feel because almost no one seems to get what my life is about. And….that group there, my classmates – they should know better. So I think.

Truth be told, some of them might get it. They might be able to articulate an understanding of my life experience – the gist, the core of it – that would feel really satisfying to me. No one did so that weekend. Part of the problem of not only the way I currently live, but with society in general now is how isolated we are. Not only that, but our collective communication has been affected – for the poorer – from the Algo culture (Technical/Artificial Intelligence world, culture). I don’t even understand it all. I don’t want to. I just know Algo shapes communication and perception: we feel more separate and worse.

I felt icky after talking to Patricia. Even though swearing happens out of my mouth, I don’t feel good afterwards, especially if it has caught me off-guard, which this did….completely. I am sitting with the aftermath of the conversation, discerning what I need to be more conscious of. It is this: I feel isolated. It stresses me. I greatly wish people understood and appreciated what I’m doing with my life and why I’m doing it. I write this blog in hopes of helping with that. To be honest, it is the best I can do. I have almost no patience for explaining my life. I speak up, but am also quiet alot.

Too often people see it in the old way. Try to fit it into old narratives. Matrix-created narratives of meritocracy and their own unconscious ego action. So much unconscious ego trancing: “This feels pleasurable and safe. It is good. This does not. It is bad.” It is a trance folks.

I feel impatient. Everything will change on this planet and then people will be living their own profound change and transformation. They will have no choice. Some are doing that now. I know some of them. Still most people seem to be choosing comfort, the known and stagnation.

More on The Good Emergency: Earth in Transition

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One of my favorite quotes from the last year came from an interview with Sophie Gregoire Trudeau, the ex-wife of Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau. When asked what her younger self thought about her future, she responded, “I don’t make many plans. I’ve trained my brain to deal with uncertainty more. The brain doesn’t like uncertainty. Stress is a dysfunctional relationship with the present moment.”

I relate well to her words as I have had to examine my relationship to the unknown more than I would have predicted or liked the last two years.

When the rug got pulled from my old life in 2019-2020, I ventured into deeply new inner and outer territory. What drove me was an inner knowing that everything on planet Earth was going to change profoundly.

When the sudden changes came in my own life, I knew it was time for a radical departure from the known world into a life that would – hopefully – be a bridge to the unprecedented reality about to unfold on Earth.

The Earth itself has ascended to the 5th Dimension. Humanity is living in a transition version of the old 3rd dimensional world we all know and (many) think is the only reality that exists….in the entire Cosmos! We have been taught to believe that.

Each density or dimension has very different characteristics, somewhat like different countries having very different customs, language, geography, etc. The change from our old 3rd dimension to the 5th dimension will be radical because the 5th has its own structure (much bigger than 3rd), laws, physics and relationship to duality and it bears no resemblance to our old 3D world.

The other striking thing about this transition from 3D to 5D will be the complete falling away of the system of control that has taken root on our planet for many years. This system of control shapes almost everything we experience in our lives. Just this one fact, the absence of it, will dramatically change our world as we know it. Add to that the ascension into higher dimensions and you have the unprecedented world we are moving into. It is a great time for each of us to challenge our relationship to the unknown and make it more relaxed. We will need that skill. It may seem like the changes I’m talking about will take hundreds of years, but they will not. They will take mere months and years.

It is hard to know exactly what the transition will look like. I would say, though hopefully not to confuse anyone, that in some ways and only in some ways, the lockdown of the pandemic in 2020 was a primer. It was a primer in that almost everything in our world shifted immediately. Everyone had to turn on a dime. This was an incredibly valuable experience. It taught us that the reality we have been lead to believe was absolute and immutable can change in an instant.

Things on Earth will change, but this time we will not be going back to “normal.” This fact might feel very jarring to some. It might feel like an emergency.

Conventionally we experience an emergency when: 1) something sudden and painful is happening; 2) there is usually some form of destruction and we mobilize (like crazy) to eliminate the pain and return to normal, even if that process takes years.

If you extract the painful part and the focus on returning to normal (the two are often very connected), we can call an emergency “good” as there are admirable qualities an emergency brings out. Here are some:

1. Everyone involved knows it is happening (this is key).

2. Time changes. We don’t think much about it because we are too busy acting.

3. We just act. Our thoughts become utilitarian, we do not have time to overanalyze (or snipe on social media or do much of anything on social media, especially if it no longer exists!). We are completely immersed in the process.

4. Our resistance lessens or disappears. There is simply no time for it.

5. What we think we need changes radically.

6. We don’t stand around judging others. We act together.

As our world shifts, you can see how these qualities will be essential. I do not think digital anything is active in the 5th dimension, but there will likely be a transition from our insane dependence on it now to its disappearance. As the transition really gets underway, people will likely be acting in-person in more local communities (will be radically new for younger people).

The old world will not be returning. There will be no “normal” to go back to. It will seem scary for awhile. Time to bring in your better relationship to the unknown. It might feel like an emergency, but it is a good, a great emergency.

We will all be a crucial part of a magnificent transformation. It will have positive reverberations for our entire Universe, which we have yet to meet! There will be great celebration in the cosmos as humanity is freed from the controlling entities and systems that have held it in bondage for ages and the Earth and its inhabitants ascend into spiritual greatness and take their rightful place as fully free cosmic citizens.

Are you ready to rock and roll? We got this!

Why Didn’t This All Shift in 1958?

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I have had two major storms of knowledge about imminent radical change on Earth. Each one guided or accompanied major changes in my life.

In both cases, especially the first which started in 1990 and continued in one form or another until around 1996, the change shown to me was definitely right on the verge. It oozed from my pores. I had a spiritually-oriented therapist at the time who told me humans on Earth would never (never!) communicate telepathically. I thought to myself, “That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. They will do so and soon.” I knew it in my bones, my soul, my DNA. I came into this life to usher in this new Earth and finally the shift of all man-made systems, the ecosystems, consciousness and physics was underway.

And then it didn’t happen.

In 2020, new downloads unfurled. The rug got pulled from our life – all part of the unfoldment I thought – and then….it didn’t happen. Again. By now, I have a bit of a complex. I do not necessarily think my intuition has been wrong, but that the plan for the unfoldment changes, maybe daily.

In the book “Return of the Dove,” by Margaret Storm, the author is absolutely positive the shifts on Earth, which she groups under the umbrella term of The Aquarian Age, are just weeks away. She had very sold intel, from spiritual masters. That was 1958.

Curiously, alot of Ms. Storm’s info, much of it from the likes of sources like ascended master St. Germain, were very similar to the reports from YouTube influencer and Galactic Federation emissary, Elena Danaan, about events that took place in late 2021 both on and off-planet.

They both spoke of the clearing out of all off-planet controllers from our solar system. Elena reported these events in detail in December 2021. Separated by 63 years, they both claimed the remaining problems on Earth were the result of the minions of the off-planet instigators that were still in embodiment on Earth.

How can this be? Margaret Storm wrote about the vast changes happening “soon” and since some of the historical periods she described encompassed millions of years, at first I didn’t know what “soon” was to her? Maybe it was hundreds of years. Then towards the end of the book, though, she names it: weeks. The changes were just weeks away.

I think she was right. It probably was weeks away. It probably had been imminent many years before her time and has been imminent many times since.

Her book is full of precious nuggets of spiritual gold, so it was a delight to read her book regardless of accuracy. Since I’ve been in her position at least two times myself – I could have written a book declaring “Earth changes imminent!” thirty-three years ago – I felt comforted that I was not alone having had a glorious vision, trusting it, shifting my life to ready for it and then living in the wasteland of the aftermath of it not unfolding. She did not write about the aftermath part of her life, but if she lived beyond the publishing of the book, she most certainly lived it.

Off Planet Tech 2

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In some circles on YouTube, there is a theory that Nicola Tesla was a fictional creation. Others pose he may have been an actual person, but stole his ideas from the preceding Earth civilization of the ancestors of Mu including Tartaria. Buildings from that global civilization show abundant use of structures that generated quantum, free energy.

I agree with the biograpical account of Nicola Tesla given by author Margaret Storm in her 1959 book, The Return of the Dove.” Tesla was from off-planet. He got his ideas, many of which were opposed and quashed by the fellows of Earth of his day, from the knowledge that is freely available in the cosmos. Why would he have to steal them from someone else or another Earth civilization that, despite their superior knowledge to the current human civilization, still likely knew less than him?

Maybe that is how you think when you do not live on a planet, but on a flat plane or a circuit board. I don’t know. But those of us who live on a planet in a cosmos can and should know that the blueprints of higher consciousness tech are freely available to a free humanity. So let’s get ourselves free.

Real Freedom

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The real freedom is within. Nothing….no thing….in the apparent external world has to change for you to be utterly, completely free right this moment. But something internal has to. The internal reality most of us experience is “apparent” too, but not to me…not yet.

Recently I was talking with a friend about ascension. There are aspects I probably cannot articulate yet, but I have known for a long time that part of the process is that the soul releases its identification with form. That does not means we die. We are so trained to equate form with physical life, but that’s part of the problem. The spiritual release and dropping the identification of form (which is so much more than the physical body) is an act of soul and consciousness. It sounds airy-fairy and unrelated to the nuts and bolts of life, but it is neither. It IS profoundly practical and just profound overall.

I longed for this state for most of my life. I studied it. If anyone who experienced it wrote about it, I read it their accounts. I used to be a walking encyclopedia of written spiritual accounts of humans who had awakened to non-duality, soul freedom, ascension. After decades of inquiry, I concluded the shift is an act of grace. If fervor, longing, sincere desire, intuitive knowing, etc., could cause this state, I would have experienced it many times over. I can’t say that none of that matters, because maybe it does and it doesn’t matter anyway because once you have a taste for it, you cannot let it go and you long for that freedom. We long for it because we know it is our true state. But what pulls the final lever of awakening? It seems to be the soul. The human cannot cause it.

I do Zoom calls with Byron Katie almost every week and have done so for over four year. BK is an awakened human. She does not describe herself that way, which is all the more telling of her authenticity, so these are my words and my experience of her. She too has said that her “experience on the floor” (see any of her books to know how she woke up on the floor one morning and nothing was the same) was an act of grace.

Zero is not Zero Point

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Some spiritual traditions have what they call the “Via Negativa” and the “Via Positiva.” The Via Negativa and the Via Positiva refer to the paths taken to spiritual freedom. They also refer to the temperament of the spiritual aspirants on those paths as they are very different.

The Via Negative is the path of spiritual renunciation, material minimalism, and an inclination to see God better when there is less distraction from worldly things, noise, experience. The Negativa has a heavy dose of the spiritual destroyer in her. I fit into this category.

The Via Positiva, as best as I can tell since it is foreign to me, sees no conflict between worldliness – involvement in worldly, interactive contact; experiences; material things – and God. It is hard for me to fathom because so much of that reeks of ego to me. ( You must be thinking, “oh she would be fun at a party!”). I love and need a certain amount of people contact, travel and experiences in the world, but I also see that that kind of involvement can originate from fear and be a massive distraction. Life of the party. (Actually I love a good party).

I do not know if this vision of mine is even trustworthy. Does it come from spirit? Can’t be sure. What I do know is I see it constantly. I cannot look away from it.

* * *

The Zero Point: I am looking for a definition online, but not seeing anything great. The closest definition that fits my intuition is this: “when quantum particles reach…zero…the particles then no longer contain any information about what state they were in before. Everything that may have happened to the particle before is perfectly erased.”

That definition is actually pretty cool. But rather than see the field as a bunch of particles, I see it as a field of potentiating, unlimited energy. The zero point field is a field of spiritual energy. It has zero charge, no predetermined form and it is also available for use. It was designed for human use. The quantum physicists could tell us where, if there is a where, it resides around planet Earth. It may be more accurate to say it infuses all the space in and around our planet.

It can be used to create unlimited electricity (see Nikola Tesla or the documentary “The Lost Century,” by Steven Greer), healing energy and potentials that are considered impossible by the current accepted system of reality and, further, anything you desire. The zero point is a state within you as well. When you program for a reality – intend a creation – you can take your program/intention (see it like a shape) to the zero point field for energizing into form. What you are imagining and intending is the shape and spirit or zero point energy gives that shape life. This is all something you can do with your own consciousness. There is outer technology based on this energy and it would be fun to have access to that kind of technology; it would change life as we know it on this planet. However, at this time, because of technology suppression, I suggest you work with your own consciousness. It can be a frustrating waiting game if you are hoping to use the technologies.

The Zero is not the Zero Point:

For those of us with the Negativa temperament who feel a certain rush from environmental minimalism and possess more than a dash of spiritual destroyer energy, it is sometimes helpful -perhaps more than just a little at times – to not conflate zero with zero point. What do I mean by that?

Essentially the Negativa can see absence as Presence. That can result in alot of blocking of life nutrients, including literal ones. People might call it a “holy anorexia,” but it is not that simple. Cutting out old ways of being, identifying and behaving can…can reveal deeper, previously hidden aspects of one’s “self.” There can be an increase of Presence in absence. Also, the emptying out of old ways can turn one – intentionally, unintentionally or both – to the zero point. In a sense you can empty out into the zero point. However, they are not the same. At times it is necessary to clarify that. I am going through that right now.

My life has emptied out in many ways. I am too close to the process to know exactly how or if that is benefiting me. I do know that I reached a point not that long ago where I said “no” to more of the zero. Zero car, amenities (almost zero), machines working and an abundance of upsetting outcomes. I cannot tell you how much “yes” I had in that game, I only know that now if I find myself thinking about the things that are gone or worst, the things that are chronically not working, I stop myself and say, “That is enough. I have had enough of that. It has done its job.”

Only you can know how much emptying you might need to get to a quantum field of freedom. The Positiva would say, “Why would you need emptying? There is God in everything.” I say, yes that is true, but how much are you secretly attached to everything? That is the issue. The inner, not the alleged outer, freedom is the issue and it is the only issue. I was willing to go through too much to get there. Now, I have no opinion about getting there, but I have a limit to the amount of zero I will endure.

How wintery it can feel

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To those of you who have kept up with all the comings and goings with my blog site, thank you! So much is in flux, including my tech and web stuff, that things like websites and blog sites seem to be there one minute and gone the next.

What is on my mind today, is the wintery-ness of the spiritual journey. It feels that way sometimes, doesn’t it? I’m going through a wintery period and it feels very challenging. It’s all for spiritual and soul freedom which has been the fundamental passion of my life. But it is a passion that kind of kills all passion.

That probably sounds very depressing, but if our core is spiritual, silent and immovable, it is a different state than passion, as desirable and delicious as passion can feel. If true Spirit calls to you then you know there is nothing….nothing you can do to resist its call. At least nothing ultimately. We usually put all sorts of fillers in to distract ourselves and slow the distress that we might feel from the tension between the powerful ego and the Spirit. As dear teacher Byron Katie says, “Love kills everything but itself.” It can feel surprising – and is not for the faint of heart- to see how much of what we think we love is infused with other non-love elements within ourselves. It is ALL and only within ourselves. Nothing needs to be manipulated in the apparent outside world. Letting those elements within ourselves that feel good, but may not be pure (not my fave word, but will use it for now) love be consumed in our genuine love of Spirit can feel like a kind of death.

If you are not called by Spirit, all of this can – and probably does – sound awful and useless. Well, it can feel awful, but it is not useless. It is, however, for the courageous. I commend those of you out there willing to let the Love of Spirit, the Divine, consume everything but Itself. From my heart I send you Love.