Category Archives: Shadow Alchemy

I seem so slow

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There is no Shangri-la. Well, to be honest, I think there is, but it is not our destination as universal fractals. Our destination is not a destination as we understand it. It is within each of us and we are already there. It is not a swoony place like Shangri-la. Because of that it can be easy to miss. It is subtle and, like Dorothy discovered at that end of “The Wizard of Oz,” we are already home. We always have been.

Our minds have been deeply programmed to believe in hierarchies and ideologies, like Shangri-la. Bigger, better, out there, up there, reach & strive for, you’re not it – something else is. Hollywood has played a big part in the programming. We are always looking for bigger, better, out there, sexy, candy.

Years ago I was a participant in an online money mindset group coached by a 28 yr old woman named Laura. It was a humbling experience to be Laura’s student. I was in my 50’s at the time. It took me a minute to alter my mindset about age and wisdom (ha). Laura coached on shifting & releasing limiting inner thought-programs about money and having that shift materialize in the outer world. She understood something about the nature of money that I desperately wanted to understand, but could not quite grasp. The nature of money seemed so set in stone to me.

I felt like young Helen Keller in the movie, “The Miracle Worker,” I saw as a child. As many know, Helen Keller was deaf and blind. In the film, Helen’s teacher, Annie, tries to teach Helen sign language. She furiously makes signs into Helen’s hands hoping she will connect the strange hand movements to the real-world objects they represent, like water. Helen just doesn’t get it. Until… one day she does. By some grace she makes the electric connection that the weird hand movements are a language that Helen finally speaks.

When Coach Laura used to speak about her money insights I felt like Helen before she understood signing. It was just beyond my grasp. Lately, though, I’m starting to get it. It is dawning. It has been many years. I feel slow! It’s about life being a dream and choosing which thoughts, feelings and accompanying sensations we entertain. But first, we must confront the painful beliefs we think are real. As that emptying occurs, there is a freedom to choose. We can choose better stories about money or anything else.

This might sound like positive thinking or affirmations, but it is not. It is about emptying out the life-illusion and embracing the charged “bits” inside ourselves enough to see that this is a game and we are not bound by any memory, history, ideology or identity. Positive thinking can be a big defense mechanism. You have to know yourself well enough to discern how you are using it.

Up until the time we start to experience more choice, we live in ideologies, identities, memories and believe them, often wholeheartedly. Not a problem. If you believe something is real how can you also not believe it is real? It is an evolutionary process.

Two other wise women I work with know that our Universe is benevolent. It’s not a belief for them, it is something they know. I feel slow here too, but am starting to trust it. I still have my moments when I’m pretty dang sure the universe is out to get me, but there is more space around that lately too.

If it is true that the universe is friendly by nature, then I am free to accept alternative interpretations about life and life events. There have been alot of so-called negative life events the past few years, but that too is a point of view.

Fractal Compression (Can’t We Avoid This?)

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As universal fractals about to graduate we will go through compression. That is how the fractal process works. Like coal becoming a diamond, except we were always diamond, we just have “played” coal.

The compression process looks different for different people, but you kinda know it when you are in it. Actually you may not know what it is, but you will know it feels sucky. If definitely sucks.

What the compression process is, is blending all your inner aspects. You are looking at every fear-infused nook and cranny within yourself. As I said in my blog post about money much of what passes for normal or even the “good life” in our world is often fear-based. Y’gotta look that gnarly stuff in the eye. But you have to do it in real life, by living your life. If it’s just something you do in your mind or energetically, it is not compression.

Once you confront the tough stuff internally you can blend it, integrate it. You…we… will move into the unknown. And the way better.

What is coming on Earth is not a better version of what the matrix tells you is the “good life” or what you have known before. It is something altogether different. During compression you know (all too well) what you have lost or left behind, but you don’t know what you’re going to. That is a big part of what makes it feel crummy.

The Reckoning

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A time of reckoning. What does that mean? Not sure. When I first thought about it I saw it as a confrontation, a showdown, like the gunfight at the OK Corral.

Yeah, it feels confrontational, but not in the way I thought and not in the way I expected and not in the way we are taught a showdown is. There’s fear, but no foe. Yes, there is fear, but no foe. I am so used to a foe.
I almost don’t know how to function without one. I definintely don’t know how to have a reckoning without one, even an inner one.
That is part of the challenge. No foe. No me, the fighter, having to boost self, blow up my self esteem, my energy and tackle the fucker.

Taking action. What is the action you need to take? You know what it is. How many layers of fearful denial cloud your knowing?

It’s the icky feelings, the sinking into remembering that cause the cloud. Something hurt. Something hurt me. I don’t even really remember all of it, but it is there. Always pulling me back. Always giving me reasons to stay safe and not, do not, let it happen again. I mean how stupid would I be to let it happen again?

As for not knowing: maybe there was another planet in this solar system at another time. Some have called the planet Tiamat. Some have called it Maldek. I think they are the same.
It was destroyed. It was blown up. I do remember being on the planet as the destruction was on its way. Was it a weapon? A weaponized asteroid? Don’t know. I saw myself standing on a street corner in a Roman-esque type robe talking to a friend. I know her in this life. It was a casual chat. And hell was about to rain down.

Some trusted people I know have said that this planet’s destruction is a big if not the core trauma behind the fears many of us have. How the fuck would I know that? We thought our souls, our spiritual core, would die. We still do.

The Dark Night

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My life has been rough the last couple years. When I tell people about it – I don’t often – they usually don’t understand. “Why don’t you change it?” they ask. They don’t understand. That makes my life feel rougher.

Last weekend, I was talking to a friend about it. I said, “Sometimes the soul calls shots the ego does not like. The freedoms we normally experience aren’t there. We try, but things don’t happen, like as a way of life.”

My friend said the same thing another friend said in a similar conversation in November. “Maybe most people don’t experience that.”

It got me thinking a bit differently. First, I think some people do understand this subject, they are just not the ones crossing my path. There is a phenomena on the spiritual journey called “the dark night of the soul.” I can tell you for sure that the overwhelming majority of people do not accurately understand that process. Part of the reason for that is there is NO and I mean no societal reference point for it. When you experience it you are in the dark in more ways than one, including having no culture that understands it. Literally.

Thing is, everyone goes through it at some point as they complete their spiritual journey. Because of that, I have come to expect that people know what it is, that they have some kind of real-life reference point.

If they have experienced it maybe they regarded it “just” as a very difficult time? What I’m going through now is not the Dark Night. It has similarities, but it is not the same, though it sucks pretty much the same.
The Dark Night had distinct features. The inner life I had known to that point was gone. The “light” phenomena of consciousness – the way guidance occurred; the love exchange I had with what I then called God – was gone. In a way there was an energy that did present itself, but it was dark. Compared to the energy that was no longer there, it was blind.

Maybe I understand the Dark Night process more than others, but I think everyone should understand it to some degree. Am I wrong? They don’t seem to.

What it’s actually about

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This applies to more than money, but let’s focus on money. It has taken me ages to grasp that the behavior most people have around money stems from fear. The fear can have certain flavors – insecurity, greed, worry, compulsion, anger, stinginess – but I am discovering that the core driver of all these states is fear.

There are a million, billion justifications for this fear. I get it. I get how scary this subject feels. But none of the justifications are real. If you still your mind and question just one of the many beliefs you have about money, anchored in a (very) specific situation in your life, you will find that the issue is fear, not the money.

We think, “No! It is true. Look how much money I lost. Look how much other people have. Look how much I don’t have. What if I lose it all like ______? What if I end up on the streets?!!”
Yup. The ego is a trickster. On the issue of money, it will give you very real-seeming, terrifying scenarios. It will give you them in your mind’s eye over and over and over. Then you’ll hear more of the same on media. Then your spouse will echo them. Then your community. It all seems so real.

I grew up in what I describe as a Fear-Around-Money bootcamp. My home, my community. The conditioning was so intense. It seemed like everyone around me voiced the same beliefs and acted out the same behaviors, more or less. All were saturated with fear. Again, to one degree or another. My family was particularly fearful. Still, it can seem complicated because fear is what the society calls “common sense.”

It is still a fact in this world – for however long – that money or something of value to the buyer is what gets you necessities. Even if you live in the wilderness, as I do, unless you have free year-round food, water and heat, you still would need to be in perfect health your whole life and have no interests in anything that cost money to live something close to an effective money-free life. I could talk for hours about my thoughts on that subject, but the point for now is what is the consciousness you have towards money?

It is easy, easy, easy, easy to fool yourself. You have to have great courage and a willingness to face some icky, jagged, vulnerable-feeling states of mind and emotion without projecting them (onto other people, onto money, onto society) to uncover how you really regard it. You will face your true beliefs about what powers your life (hint: it is not God). You will question the nature of this Universe.

God is the Most Centralized of All

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Is that true? I suspect it is. God is an entity in a matrix. The god matrix. It is not the creator of all that is; it is not even the creator of this Universe. It did not create me. It is an entity on a massive cosmo-ego trip. And through its priestly caste of the ages and by their infiltration of most cultures on earth regardless of the nature of each religion and its unique insistence on obedience and worship, it has enslaved the minds and hearts of countless humans by manipulating our desire to love.

Decentralizing & the Natural Way of Being (The Infinite)

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Thank you to all of you who have given me your contact information through the link on the site. I do have a link to the Apple e-book version of my book, “Lili the Cat Finds the Infinite Bank” that is for sale: https://books.apple.com/us/book/lili-the-cat-finds-the-infinite-bank/id1186113231. That is my current offering.

I am mulling over offering some coaching sessions for people whose infrastructure way of life has shifted dramatically due to things like fires, floods, job losses/changes, cost of living, etc., and are interested in looking at the inner transformational aspect of that experience. Folks who are open to seeing their experience of radical change as good prep for the shifts that are to come on Earth and for all humanity.

Yes, this prep involves dealing with the so-called outer changes, but it is not ultimately about that. It is about the massive changes you experience within yourself that prep you. You train yourself to have a wiser relationship to the unknown.  Most of us have a dysfunctional relationship to the unknown. Those who can flow better between the known and unknown will have a much easier time in the coming years.

As this blog has chronicled, I have experienced (and am experiencing) massive changes to my way of life the last few years and especially the last two+ years since we moved to the Mesa.
It is a difficult but unparalleled path of inner change. “Path”. doesn’t quite feel like the right word. The experience is more like being plunged into freezing cold water repeatedly. It is jarring. It is jarring frequently. But if your soul wants you to be on the wisdom fast track and wants you align with its deeper agenda quickly, there are few better ways. You have no choice but to try to swim. Yet you don’t know how. Not in this water. Or so it seems. Therein lies the accelerated alchemy and swimming in uncharted water.

….I am stuck on this blog entry. That is because the subject is still not fully formed in my mind. Here are some terms I have so far:

Infinite way of being
Decentralization
Mitochondria
Heart essence
Ego
Intellect

I have been learning about mitochondrial health from Dr. Jack Kruse. He describes himself as “decentralized.” He practices decentralized medicine. He is a huge proponent of Bitcoin.

I am also a fan of someone named Jonathan MacDonald. He is into a variety of things, including spirituality and one of his creations (co-creations) is a decentralized crypto platform called “Minima.”

The work of both these men and George Kavassilas got me thinking about life, health, money and spirituality from this particular vantage point. It is intriguing.

My bias is always toward spirituality and how to be completely free within. It is the real pearl beyond price because inner freedom, like that exemplified by Byron Katie, gives you the only real freedom worth having, the only real freedom that exists: complete, total freedom from fear and attachment. Any attachment. Katie would experience the same peaceful state of being whether she was a queen in a castle or an un-housed woman in her underwear on the street with people who used to be her friends spitting on her. I get tears in my eyes thinking about her. How do you describe this beauty? It is the only true freedom.

That being said, I am still on the path to this and have not arrived yet. If I were un-housed on the street with friends spitting on me I would feel so deeply hopeless and despondent I would want to die. Yes, I’m still on the path.

So the inner part of the decentralization, which GK would call the Heart Essence, has something to do with shifting our way of being and what one turns to within – to something decentralized. Not the ego. Not an imagined center, including every societal, conditioned, imagined identity and self-image we have. It’s so subtle. It is undramatic and beyond-radically different. I’m still trying to understand it. I’m still trying to live it.

The Blend

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How much do we want to be saved or just relieved?

I know I do. However, it is the unsexy work of what I call the “inner blend” that makes you able to go through the so-called “eye of the needle” and what we seek in our fantasies of saving and relief. Unsexy indeed.

Inner blend brings you to zero point. That is the transition point, but it is really no point at all.
It’s tough. To not have goals. But goals in this realm are ideologies and they end up distracting and – temporarily- blocking us. They are pleasant, they are bromides, but not ultimately useful.

What to do? Embrace those aspects of your self that feel too embarrassing, painful, bad and shameful. The ones you want to cast aside. The ones society & religion – both one big ideology – would tell you are bad and deserve to be cast aside. Those aspects they say need redemption and becoming “better than.”
All of that is internal splitting, division. Splitting is too big and discordant. It’s a big wave form. Big wave forms don’t get through the eye of the needle. Forget stories that say it is about material objects, like money, it is about aspects of self and how we relate to them.

Love collapses that wave form. The collapsed wave form is what descriptions like “the eye of the needle” and “zero point” seek to explain. Moving forward is about the quiet, subtle inner blend of all the aspects of self. The belligerent, the irritable, the greedy. Blend ’em. Blend them all.

What will our hero do now?

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I have not written much the last few months because I haven’t had much to say. There is so much shifting going on – for all of us, no? – that I feel like anything I write pertains to something in the past and I do not yet know what to say about the reality to come.

Here on the Mesa, in the Alchemical Bootcamp, the challenges just keep on coming! Too many to mention, but they seem to permeate many aspects of life infrastructure from food to toilet-ing to climate control. It is bloody cold in this part of the US and we did not weather the winter here last year- we were stuffed in the RV in a couple different places in New Mexico- so we do not know if our infrastructure here on the Mesa is up to the task.

Our RV is not very viable at the moment, b/c unexpected issues with the “baby” vehicle, our truck, sucked up all the resources we hoped to use on the RV. Both the RV and the truck are young machines and my hope was that their “youth” would provide some buffer against repair expenses and inconvenience. Not to be.

So I stare down the prospect of intense cold without the knowledge of how I will survive it. I feel like a Marvel character in this life: how will our hero survive this?

Most people, including me alot of the time, think the real struggle is between me and the elements, between me and the unknown. To be fair, I do feel struggle, so that part feels real, but the struggle is with fear and fearful states of ego/mind. All of this – all of what I am going through- is about lessening the impact of fear on my sense of self, decisions and life. If you look closely, you might see fear at the root of just about every decision and ideation you experience. It might be masked by “socially acceptable,” but underneath it all, it is likely fear. Even if it seems 8 billion other humans accept the fear as real, it does not make it so. Only you decide what you will accept.

A Whole New Model of World

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I started this post two weeks ago. It has sat as a draft ever since. This morning I finally realized that my inability to finish it stemmed from the fact that it is about a whole new world for which there is no precedent. For some reason I expected I had a lot to say about that. Ha.

I do know this new world will include the elimination of just about everything we know. Including all culture, religion…the entire nature of reality as it is collectively and individually seen through familiar filters. The world of culture and religion are composed of beliefs and those beliefs create perceptual filters through which we define and physically create a reality. That is culture and religion and pretty much…..everything.

This shift goes beyond even that. It goes to the structure and meta-physics of our planet and galaxy. Most of that information is beyond my ken at this time. However, one point made clear to me recently was that there will no longer be “yugas.”

A yuga is a period of time on planet Earth. It was based on movements in the Earth’s axis. Common knowledge says there are four of them and they each encompass vast periods of time: 432,000 years. But in fact they may be much shorter: between 24,000 – 26,000 years. It is said they have a dark or sleeping aspect/group and an awake aspect/group. They have different “flavors” or qualities. We are allegedly at the end of a Kali Yuga, the darkest and most difficult of the yugas.

This planet has been manipulated for a very long time. The unfolding of the new Unknown (and Glorious, I suspect) has been withheld. Hopefully, humanity is rectifying that, but honestly I do not know if that is actually happening and that is probably the most difficult unknown I wrestle with.

I wrote about the yugas in a recent post because I needed a reference point for my thoughts and the yuga seemed useful. It is not that I no longer believe in them, it is that they will soon no longer exist as a meta-model for our planet. Extend that to virtually everything we know and have known including most esoteric information and practices. It’s a big deal.

This raises a bigger question that I wrestle with frequently in my daily life: what do you do & how do you proceed when you know you are on the edge of a shift into a Great Unknown and you only (or mostly) have the known to work with?
This is exactly the nature of my everyday, mundane life. I face the issue daily, hourly. For example, the heat in the RV has broken. That heat kept my husband, me and our cats alive this past Winter. We have ideas for backups, but we have not materialized them yet. Money is tight at the moment and there are constant priorities popping up their little heads and hungry mouths. So how will we survive next Winter?It’s a big question and as of today, I have no answer.

I hope and pray all this dealing with the unknown in daily life is prepping me to better deal with it when it is undeniably the fact of our reality on Earth. It is not that time yet. I must say though that my experience of what I call the alchemical bootcamp: frequent facing of the unknown and loss of the familiar and/or the hoped-for, is not pleasant and the irritability I experience is existential.
Hopefully there is some alchemy actually happening and will result in some kind of peace and smoothness of being in the face of the unknown-known-unknown-known.

in the meantime, I use the tools I have, even though they are probably already fossils.