Tag Archives: Alchemy

We Are the Disclosure, but…..

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Lately I’ve been hearing a similar thing from sources I trust. They are saying we, the humans on Earth, are the impediment to full disclosure. It is not the organizations, governments, secret space programs, cabal, it is us. We have not integrated fully enough to handle the frequencies that disclosure will require.

Others would say we have not raised our vibration or raised our frequency enough. I won’t say that. It is a matter of integration, not ascending. We humans have endured and internalized aeons of conditioning about hierarchies, including the god matrix. Without our belief that we are less than, no hierarchical belief system could take hold. But hierarchical beliefs – all kinds – OWN us.

This is why it is important to understand the difference between the “bliss” of the false spirituality and the deep, unmoveable, soft heart of true integration. Even this makes it sound complicated, but it is not. However, discernment is very important.

We have not integrated our inner reality enough. Again, sounds complicated. When did you last judge your partner, child, neighbor, sibling, mother/father? That is part of the inner reality I’m talking about and you experience it constantly. Start there.

Years ago, someone I trust said (emphatically) that the soul will complete its mission no matter what. I used to get all lofty and feel a sense of power about that. But that is ego. That is the false spirituality. Don’t you want true freedom? It is beyond all good and all not-good. It is not a sensation of bliss. On its journey to freedom, the soul might take you to your knees. That is true power. Does it feel like it? False spirituality/bliss will crumble like a house of cards if the soul turns up its volume. It will not feel good.

You are it. I’ve said it many times, but it’s not a power trip and we know almost nothing but power trips. But we can change that. We can release the fake. Who pissed you off today? Get still and ask the “judge your neighbor” worksheet questions in stillness. This is the power that does not feel like power, but is.

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Why worship?

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Worship. Where does it come from? It comes from the god story. It is a control mechanism designed by the priestly caste to give them the energy they feed on.
We send forth energy when we worship. Worship seems very pure to those who do it, but it is actually tainted with fear. Why would you worship if you did not fear?

Worship is a control mechanism. It starts with the belief that we, humanity, are less-than or lacking. This is the keystone of the god story: god is the creator of all that is and we are, at best, its child. Definitely less than. Then the story sprinkles in “born of sin” – screwed from the get-go – adds a generous serving of heaven and hell and we end up scared of our own shadow (literally). It trains us to seek power outside ourselves. That is the real power play of the god story and the hologram of the gods.

It is the ultimate consumerism. The narrative tells you that what you want is, de facto, outside yourself and worship is the currency you must pay to (try to) buy it back. All worship – celebs, kings, gods, Beyonce – stems from that lie. (o.k., not cat worship, because that is based on absolute truth!).

You are it. You really are. It is built into you just because you are human. You must give up the religious and hierarchical ideologies and the worship. It will take courage. It is time.

Shifting Further Further

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I recounted in my last post how the practical reasons – yup, the kooky ones – for which I came to this Mesa did not materialize. The San Luis Valley has been known for off-planet connections for hundreds of years. It felt like a good fit.

People tend to believe that outer circumstances create reality. They do not. So in the past couple years when I would tell folks the challenges we were experiencing here, they would usually respond, “Well, why don’t you move?”

That response was depressing. Their (complete) lack of understanding left me feeling more isolated and exhausted.

When I moved here I called this phase the Alchemical Bootcamp. I understood it intuitively. If you have ever had an encounter with true inner alchemy, you might guess that an alchemical bootcamp was going to be a complete ass-kicking ordeal. It was. It still is, though for today the non-stop major crises and breakdown of essential things has quieted. For today.

I wish more people spoke “alchemy.” It would be so nice to talk to others on a level that felt mutual. We need that mind-meld. It would be great for that.

The alchemy is well underway. I could even dare to say I have some experience already under my belt. Dare I say? When you get shredded by life/soul for alchemical purposes, it is hard to be optimistic about anything other than the fact that some other shoe is going to drop any minute.

So, where do I find myself now? No liaising with the star family, at least not now. LIving day to day like I am back country camping – not acceptable. Honestly, I was a pretty good sport about some of it: the composting toilet; showering at the community center; cooking in an RV that had no heat and an abundance of mice. Now, though, it has settled into a way of life since we do not have the many thousands of dollars required to improve the situation. Yeah, this is not gonna fly.

Community? I have met some lovely people here. On the Mesa and off. But they all travel alot and have friends elsewhere (and not on star family craft – that was supposed to be my crowd). So they are mostly gone, having fun elsewhere.

Roger, my buddy on the Mesa, sadly died in March. He is with his own off-planet family now.

Our good neighbor, John, had a sort of stress-induced breakdown a few months ago and tried to destroy a bunch of people’s organizations online, including Vyvyan’s (my husband) who started his organization to help John. We don’t see John anymore.

This high desert stark land has become desolate in many ways. Too many ways.

I do not have enough money to go out to dinner, much less move to another country, but inwardly I’m feeling drawn to move. I noticed last night, my energy is starting to vacate my current life.

It will be interesting to see if things in the outer world shift as I open myself more to a move prospect internally.
Not all the original reasons to stay in Colorado (or in the US) have disappeared, but some of them have.

Shifting Further

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There were many intentions, not all of which were conscious, behind my move to the Mesa. There was of course the rug pull by Soul. The life we had been living completely lost its foundation. We had to shift.

Lately I have been reviewing how we got to this particular place: the San Luis Valley in southern Colorado. I had forgotten some of the core motivations.

TMJ stuff. I needed to stay in Colorado because my TMJ specialist, Dr. Kennedy – possibly unique in all the world and yes, I back that up with a shitload of experience – practiced in Grand Junction, Colorado. I had to live within a five hour (max) drive of his office.

(He retired in 2023, so that condition no longer exists. But it was a core reason in 2021 when we were deciding where to relocate.)

My cats. My husband and I flirted with moving overseas before we got our first cat in 2008, but practically speaking, we didn’t see how we could do it. Once we got our first cat, Lili, chances were slimmer that we would move overseas.
My cats are like children to me. Once they are part of my family, I am committed to their happiness and well-being for the duration of their lives.
I was not interested in subjecting Lili to the inhumane treatment required for a move to another country, though I do recall looking at the move requirements for domestic animals for some countries even after we got her.

Maybe because just one cat remains of the three and he is 15 yrs old I am starting to open to the possibility of a broader move. It has brought many things to mind.

Until we here on Earth can do the equivalent of the Vulcan mind-meld that Mr. Spock did on the original “Star Trek” series, I’m not sure (almost) anyone will understand what the last five years of my life have really meant to me.
I do my best to articulate it in these blog posts, but they can only communicate so much. They can only communicate so well.

I came to this 36 acre parcel of land on a Mesa in southern Colorado, in part, for intensely practical reasons. But those reasons are so off the paradigm grid that I cannot speak of them as practical or much at all. I have touched upon them, I think, in some of my posts. What happened is prior to the move, my intuition flooded me – it had years earlier too – with images of liaising with what I will call my “star family.”

Yup, sounds crazy. However, this liaison would have covered all the practical bases. It would have solved certain problems I have had my whole life like finding a work system that actually works for me. It would have addressed other problems that have become more acute the last several years, namely having meaningful day-to-day community. There were also “healthcare” solutions with the star family that we do not have access to here on Earth (but which exist….here on Earth – if that confuses you, you can research “medbeds,” but only look at the credible YouTube sources – the med beds are just one, there are more).

It was shown to me how it would happen. And then….it did not happen. At all.

Anyone reading this is likely saying, “Duh. Coulda told you that.” But it has happened to others. Not that that has to be the criteria for “realism” – though it almost always is – but it has happened to others. Yes, I know it is rare and infrequent and sounds impossible, but it is possible. It does happen.

Okay, so for me it did not happen. I think it will one day, but it won’t be the solution to problems it would have been had it happened the last few years. It will likely be a fun, exhilarating reunion with old, dear friends.

Instead, for the last two and half years, I have been left living on the edges of the US system: economy, community, infrastructure.
Infrastructure includes: housing, water supply, food supply, transportation, heating. It is most of what we need to survive in our current human body.
It is also a collection of thoughts and beliefs. Any system is that.

So the practical part of why I moved here has not materialized and what I am left with is living in an area the culture terms “under-served.” What I have observed here is “under-served begets under-served.” Projects, businesses, ambitions do not flourish here. Some have tried to open businesses – nice ones – since I moved here, but they are failing.

I won’t go into all of it. Food, however, is a big problem. Even though I live in a rural area, there are no local farms that sell food. It is what the US calls a “food desert,” (that’s one “s” not two, like dessert, which would be great!). I have to drive roundtrip 3 hrs to get to a grocery store. There are no natural foods stores. The local per capita does not attract those kinds of stores: under-served begetting under-served.
Last year, one of my neighbors had a decent outdoor garden here on the Mesa. I have not started a garden. I might consider it. At the moment I do not have the basic infrastructure -fencing, beds for raised gardens – and while I love supporting other growers, I lack the experience and, sadly, the interest in growing food myself. Remember, I did not move here for this scenario, so I did not plan to become a homesteader (would be tough with no water) or to fix & build things or to have the basics of life be as difficult as are on any back country camping trip. I simply lack the proclivity and interest.

(Okay, this post is long, I will move the rest to a new post that follows).

I seem so slow

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There is no Shangri-la. Well, to be honest, I think there is, but it is not our destination as universal fractals. Our destination is not a destination as we understand it. It is within each of us and we are already there. It is not a swoony place like Shangri-la. Because of that it can be easy to miss. It is subtle and, like Dorothy discovered at that end of “The Wizard of Oz,” we are already home. We always have been.

Our minds have been deeply programmed to believe in hierarchies and ideologies, like Shangri-la. Bigger, better, out there, up there, reach & strive for, you’re not it – something else is. Hollywood has played a big part in the programming. We are always looking for bigger, better, out there, sexy, candy.

Years ago I was a participant in an online money mindset group coached by a 28 yr old woman named Laura. It was a humbling experience to be Laura’s student. I was in my 50’s at the time. It took me a minute to alter my mindset about age and wisdom (ha). Laura coached on shifting & releasing limiting inner thought-programs about money and having that shift materialize in the outer world. She understood something about the nature of money that I desperately wanted to understand, but could not quite grasp. The nature of money seemed so set in stone to me.

I felt like young Helen Keller in the movie, “The Miracle Worker,” I saw as a child. As many know, Helen Keller was deaf and blind. In the film, Helen’s teacher, Annie, tries to teach Helen sign language. She furiously makes signs into Helen’s hands hoping she will connect the strange hand movements to the real-world objects they represent, like water. Helen just doesn’t get it. Until… one day she does. By some grace she makes the electric connection that the weird hand movements are a language that Helen finally speaks.

When Coach Laura used to speak about her money insights I felt like Helen before she understood signing. It was just beyond my grasp. Lately, though, I’m starting to get it. It is dawning. It has been many years. I feel slow! It’s about life being a dream and choosing which thoughts, feelings and accompanying sensations we entertain. But first, we must confront the painful beliefs we think are real. As that emptying occurs, there is a freedom to choose. We can choose better stories about money or anything else.

This might sound like positive thinking or affirmations, but it is not. It is about emptying out the life-illusion and embracing the charged “bits” inside ourselves enough to see that this is a game and we are not bound by any memory, history, ideology or identity. Positive thinking can be a big defense mechanism. You have to know yourself well enough to discern how you are using it.

Up until the time we start to experience more choice, we live in ideologies, identities, memories and believe them, often wholeheartedly. Not a problem. If you believe something is real how can you also not believe it is real? It is an evolutionary process.

Two other wise women I work with know that our Universe is benevolent. It’s not a belief for them, it is something they know. I feel slow here too, but am starting to trust it. I still have my moments when I’m pretty dang sure the universe is out to get me, but there is more space around that lately too.

If it is true that the universe is friendly by nature, then I am free to accept alternative interpretations about life and life events. There have been alot of so-called negative life events the past few years, but that too is a point of view.

The Reckoning

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A time of reckoning. What does that mean? Not sure. When I first thought about it I saw it as a confrontation, a showdown, like the gunfight at the OK Corral.

Yeah, it feels confrontational, but not in the way I thought and not in the way I expected and not in the way we are taught a showdown is. There’s fear, but no foe. Yes, there is fear, but no foe. I am so used to a foe.
I almost don’t know how to function without one. I definintely don’t know how to have a reckoning without one, even an inner one.
That is part of the challenge. No foe. No me, the fighter, having to boost self, blow up my self esteem, my energy and tackle the fucker.

Taking action. What is the action you need to take? You know what it is. How many layers of fearful denial cloud your knowing?

It’s the icky feelings, the sinking into remembering that cause the cloud. Something hurt. Something hurt me. I don’t even really remember all of it, but it is there. Always pulling me back. Always giving me reasons to stay safe and not, do not, let it happen again. I mean how stupid would I be to let it happen again?

As for not knowing: maybe there was another planet in this solar system at another time. Some have called the planet Tiamat. Some have called it Maldek. I think they are the same.
It was destroyed. It was blown up. I do remember being on the planet as the destruction was on its way. Was it a weapon? A weaponized asteroid? Don’t know. I saw myself standing on a street corner in a Roman-esque type robe talking to a friend. I know her in this life. It was a casual chat. And hell was about to rain down.

Some trusted people I know have said that this planet’s destruction is a big if not the core trauma behind the fears many of us have. How the fuck would I know that? We thought our souls, our spiritual core, would die. We still do.

The Dark Night

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My life has been rough the last couple years. When I tell people about it – I don’t often – they usually don’t understand. “Why don’t you change it?” they ask. They don’t understand. That makes my life feel rougher.

Last weekend, I was talking to a friend about it. I said, “Sometimes the soul calls shots the ego does not like. The freedoms we normally experience aren’t there. We try, but things don’t happen, like as a way of life.”

My friend said the same thing another friend said in a similar conversation in November. “Maybe most people don’t experience that.”

It got me thinking a bit differently. First, I think some people do understand this subject, they are just not the ones crossing my path. There is a phenomena on the spiritual journey called “the dark night of the soul.” I can tell you for sure that the overwhelming majority of people do not accurately understand that process. Part of the reason for that is there is NO and I mean no societal reference point for it. When you experience it you are in the dark in more ways than one, including having no culture that understands it. Literally.

Thing is, everyone goes through it at some point as they complete their spiritual journey. Because of that, I have come to expect that people know what it is, that they have some kind of real-life reference point.

If they have experienced it maybe they regarded it “just” as a very difficult time? What I’m going through now is not the Dark Night. It has similarities, but it is not the same, though it sucks pretty much the same.
The Dark Night had distinct features. The inner life I had known to that point was gone. The “light” phenomena of consciousness – the way guidance occurred; the love exchange I had with what I then called God – was gone. In a way there was an energy that did present itself, but it was dark. Compared to the energy that was no longer there, it was blind.

Maybe I understand the Dark Night process more than others, but I think everyone should understand it to some degree. Am I wrong? They don’t seem to.